It's Almost Time

Time is flying by so fast. I've promised updates and more information and before I know it, it's almost  time for our procedure! I've had a horrible couple weeks with writers block and that's most of the reason I haven't been able to get this post up. So I'm going to kind of make it list like... which is informal and un-blogish but  hey I gotta do what I gotta do! Another thing I've been struggling with is all my thoughts and emotions ... I feel like I want to put it out there. I don't mind expressing my feelings and thoughts on this journey especially because it's still such a taboo issue and I want to do away with all that judgement and negativity and heck that's what 98% of this blog has been so far. But I know if I start getting into all that now then we could be here for HOURS. haha. So for now I'll just get the basics out there again and answer some common questions that I've been asked and then maybe in the next few days I can delve into the mushy stuff.

• Our clinic is in Grand Rapids, about a 2 hour drive since it's right off the expressway. 
• We will be doing our transfer on Friday November 21 in the AM sometime, but won't find out the time until the week of. 
• In the world of infertility the frozen embryo babies are often referred to as "embabies". 
• We do have 3 embabies that we will be transferring.
• The success rates of a frozen embryo transfer is about 25%. 
• Is there a chance for multiples? Yes
• Once again, an embryo is already fertilized (neither mine nor Jason's DNA).  It's a 2 day old baby, 4 cells, ready to be implanted!
• Is it expensive? Of course it's expensive!! It's a little less than the complete IVF and a lot less than traditional adoption however. 
• I'm trying  Acupuncture in hopes that that will increase our odds of success. 
• I'm also trying a few little tips and tricks here and there such as: drinking pomegranate juice, eating raspberries, keeping my feet warm and putting a heating pad to my abdomen occasionally to help the blood flow. 
• Since October 18 I've been taking injections of a medication called Lupron and I'll continue with those until 4 days before the procedure. This past Tuesday I began my Estrogen pills and 3 days before the procedure I will start my injections of Progesterone with a slew of other medications like antibiotics, steroids, etc. 
• Jason and I will be staying the night in Grand Rapids that Thursday night so we aren't rushing around in the morning and stressing...and bonus ... we'll be enjoying some PF Changs to help celebrate this journey!
• I have to stay for an hour or so after the procedure with my feet up and relax. We've decided to come home that same day and I have to spend Friday on strict bedrest, only getting up to pee. And then all weekend I have to take it easy and rest. Sounds like a good Friends binge watching opportunity to me :) 

Again a huge thank you to everyone for all your positive thoughts, prayers, words of encouragement, listening, advice giving, anything and everything you all have done for us. We appreciate it and love each and everyone of you! 

*Be faithful in small things because it is in them that your strength lies.- Mother Teresa*

The Journey Of A Thousand Miles Begins With One Step --- Lao Tzu

Well hello there.
It's been a loooong time since I've visited this blog or even given thought to writing on it. A LOT has happened since I've last wrote and by A LOT I mean a lot. I don't really feel at this time like going into much detail because frankly I don't have the energy and I've used a lot of my talking up to doctors and counselors. However, I will catch you all up enough so that you understand what I'm talking about here.

As we all know, Jason and I have been trying to conceive for around 4 years, obviously unsuccessfully. I've checked out good. Jason finally had his biopsy in March, and was officially diagnosed with Stertoli Cell Only Syndrome. For the record (and I know this may come off as TMI to a lot of people, especially family) but I want to clarify something because of the looks I get. When I say that means there is no sperm produced, that's just it, there is no sperm. NOT semen , it's different... go back to sex ed. The semen analysis checked out perfect; except, well, the main ingredient that we need is missing.

It was a tough blow...finally knowing that it was official and there is not one damn thing we can do about it. We went dormant on the issue , then dabbled with the thought of adoption. After doing research and connecting with a few agencies, we realized adoption was not for us and the cost alone put it to a screeching halt. We had been very close to doing an embryo adoption before and one day I saw a friend's picture of her little girl (whom she was blessed with through embryo adoption).  Jason and I talked and decided that, indeed, that was the route that was right for us all along. We had went to a free seminar through a fertility clinic in Grand Rapids over a year ago to check out their embryo adoption program. I gave them a call and we got an appointment scheduled in June to discuss becoming candidates for the program.

Our appointment went well, we passed all the "tests" and told we could become patients and get into the program and on the waiting list. We paid our down deposit to ensure a spot on the list and told we would hear from them in about 9 to 12 months, give or take. We were number 30 and the wait depended on the supply of embryos available and the other couples ahead of us, using them or passing on them and so many other things that don't really make a difference to this story, except that it may be a hell of a wait. I knew it would be a long time but I still came in through the front door everyday and always checked the phone for a flashing light.  Then in August we got a call that we were progressing pretty fast on the list ...however, I am still slightly confused because we actually aren't all that far up. They told us that we could schedule our appointment for our nurse consultation and the mock transfer/sonohystogram. The mock transfer/sonohystogram was an ultrasound where saline was instilled into the uterus to check the size, shape and measurements to make sure everything looks good and so they would know where to "shoot the babies to" when it came time to do the actual procedure. The nurse consultation was to go over medications, time frames of medications/check ups and a lot of paper signing. A few days before the appointment we were presented with a profile of embryos even though we were technically still considered pretty low on the list. This set came from another clinic in Grand Rapids that was merged with this clinic, so there wasn't as much information and history on them as this clinic gets from their donors. Knowing what we wanted and were looking for and doing the research on this, both now and in the past, we knew what information they provided was enough to make us comfortable in accepting them. And that's what we did. We told them OK, we'll take them! Someone has to give these little ones a chance and we will!

Given a rough estimate  and that things go according to plan our transfer/procedure date will be late November.

OK,  so now I'm going to answer (hopefully) all the questions you have... 

When a couple goes through IVF (in vitro)  they may have left over embryos frozen in storage, couples are now donating them for other couples to use. It legally can not be called an adoption due to laws and crap so that's more of a blanket term or easier way to put it so people understand. Pretty much I will be able to carry and experience pregnancy of my adopted child. These embryos are  2 day old babies consisting of four cells, they were  made from the eggs and sperms of that couple to form these teeny, tiny little frozen babies. I will go through a procedure almost identical to a mom who has done in vitro with what they call a "frozen cycle", yup there's another little bit of info for you, not all in vitro babies are "fresh cycles". Anyways, I'll be on about a month and a half of various medications to prepare my body and mock a pregnancy in hopes that one of the three embryos they put in will attach and find a home for the next nine months! The babies will be thawed out the day before the procedure and then I'll go in that morning and undergo a sterile procedure where they are inserted in just like with in vitro. I know this is pretty new and unheard of to the majority of people, so I don't mind the questions but I hope that this may help people to understand. To everyone that gets to deal with me these next two months I apologize in advance. I'll be on a lot of hormones, rigid time schedules and under stress. I know not everyone will fully understand why we chose this route but we did and we have our reasons and our whys and we ask that you just accept that that is the way it is and support us in this journey. We will take any and all prayers, blessings, good thoughts, best wishes, blown on eyelashes & dandelions, and crossed fingers and toes that we can get. Thanks and love to you all, XOXO. 

P.S. I'll try to update and keep track of this whirlwind of journey we are about to embark on! 

*Always believe that something wonderful is about to happen! *

Journey: passage or progress from one stage to another: the journey to success.

Ok here it comes again. More bitching and whining and ranting. But damn it all if I can't get over this nagging "why". Will I EVER truly get over it? How do I make it go away or at least lessen it? When will I be able to gain my faith and strength back and be able to crawl out of bed every day with a smile, hell let alone just be able to crawl out of bed.

Yesterday I learned that yet again another person who does not deserve to be pregnant is. Her husband was (who knows maybe is) a drug addict, they are severly financially unstable, extremely immature and still live with her parents. And yet they are given God's gift. WHY?
Jason and I are here; mature adults (for the most part ;) ), financially secure in all ways, have steady jobs, a nice house, etc etc etc and still are empty handed. WHY?
Someone told me that going to work and seeing all these moms and babies and then worse the bad moms who still get thier babies is like having our infertility issues rubbed in my face everyday for 12 hours...Yup that pretty much sums up going to work anymore...
It hurts my heart so much it makes me want to puke.

In our recent days of our journey embryo adoption has been something we have been strongly leaning to. Jason doesn't really want to do the biopsy and as his wife I respect his decision and his body. The thought of using donor sperm doesn't settle well at all with me or with Jason. Yet I want to be pregnant and experience all that wonderful stuff! Hence, embryo adoption.I know most of you are thinking what the heck is that!?

Well when couples go through in vitro sometimes they have left over embryos that they keep in storage. Some of those couples come to the wonderful decision to donate those to couples who are looking to complete their families. 


Of course there is alot of emotional aspects to this decision, believe me. We've got that covered and we are working on that.
Now people aren't just going to give thier embryos to anyone. This process involves agency involvement, home case studies, legal contracts and then the process itself.  This makes me think again back to the why?
Why are we forced to be put into a home study to see if we are "okayed" to be parents when there are tons of moms out there who are doped up on drugs abusing thier children and STILL get to take them home? Why do we have to "pay" to become parents when it comes so easy for 95% of people out there? Why do we have to be put through all these tests and emotions and struggles?

Even if we do get approved and everything works out the way they are "suppose" to in this case then we still have the fact that the pregnancy may not take. A frozen embryo transfer has a 25-35% success rate each time and of course each time costs money. I hate, hate, hate that money even has to be a factor. Of course I said we are financially stable but never did I say rich. Which is what I feel like I need to be in order for this to happen.

They say that God will only give you as much as you can handle and get you through it but I honestly feel like I can't take anymore. It consumes me as hard as I try to not let it. It depresses me and it beats me down. I've become a horrible wife, friend, co-worker, and everything else I'm supposed to be. I make my way from my bed to my couch and then back to my bed.  I feel like I'm just going through the motions of life everyday. What the fuck!? It's not supposed to be this way! How can I find my strength and faith and my belief in God again!? How can I get up and get motivated to get to the gym and eat right to make myself feel better? Am I a horrible person for thinking and feeling this way??
I was told it's ok because technically I am grieving a "loss" but I still feel weak and ridiculous.

*All who call on God in true faith, earnestly from the heart, will certainly be heard, and will receive what they have asked and desired- Martin Luther*  

Just A Little Update Of No Updates

It's been a while since I've wrote on here but things have pretty much been at a standstill since we hit our wall. If I thought the road before the wall was rough boy was I wrong. I don't feel like I should have to explain my feelings and reasonings to anyone but for some reason I feel the need to.

The conversations about the issue aren't an everyday thing anymore but that doesn't mean it's not on my mind constantly. Obviously from my Facebook posts people have gathered the idea that I'm depressed, but honestly what else would one expect. Of course I am; I'm depressed, I'm hurt, I'm broken...I've lost faith and feel failured...

The reason it seems like we are  rushed and to make hast decisions is because we really don't have time on our hands. Yes we are young, but research has proven that once testicular failure happens, it progressively gets worse not better. Hence, if we have anything in there, we need to get it now and not wait around to see what "might happen".

*A mind that is stretched by a new experience can never go back to its old dimensions. -
Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr. *

Life

Well just as we expect from life...it throws curves. We've discovered we aren't on the same page with anything and don't agree on much of our options. So therefore we are taking a break from trying to conceive.


It's just become beyond stressful and tiring. The stress is continuous and its daunting. I'm tired of the tears related to every bump along the way, every option we try to explore and thinking of the consequences of them in the future and crying every time I start my period.


I'm depressed, I'm hurt, I'm angry, I'm jealous and I don't like being this way. I've decided to focus on our relationship and making it stronger and focus on myself too and what makes me happy again. I'm angry and confused with God and need to find him in my life again before I can expect to move on with a family. I do believe there are so many things in our life that need to fit into the puzzle just right before it will come together perfectly as I've been hoping it would. I think I've been trying to put the puzzle together with just the wrong pieces that look right from far away but up close have a jagged edge...


Don't relate this to "ignoring" the problem or sweeping it under the rug and covering it up with materialistic things. It's just putting the problem on the back burner for now and coming back to it when we are 100% fully ready, together.


We won't be talking about babies or trying until we are ready to do that again but believe me we will let you all know !!

*Life is an opportunity, benefit from it.
Life is beauty, admire it.
Life is a dream, realize it.
Life is a challenge, meet it.
Life is a duty, complete it.
Life is a game, play it.
Life is a promise, fulfill it.
Life is sorrow, overcome it.
Life is a song, sing it.
Life is a struggle, accept it.
Life is a tragedy, confront it.
Life is an adventure, dare it.
Life is luck, make it.
Life is too precious, do not destroy it.
Life is life, fight for it.
Mother Teresa *

We Shook Hands On It!.....hahaha....

Well after a much emotional and teeter tottering type of week we've come to our conclusion. I feel as though I am reading off a jury's decision or something here....We first had decided we were going to just do a donor insemination, then after much research and thoughts we decided that is not an option we want to pursue...

We are going to do IVF with a biopsy. We are planning on doing it in June to give us time to prepare and whatnot. It may be later than that depending on how things go. We want to be as best prepared as possible. Sperm takes 3 months to grow and mature and this gives us time to change eating habits, get healthier and take supplements and take advantage of other types of treatments. I say we because all though I am fine it wouldn't hurt at all to become healthier myself and give myself the best possible welcoming "home" and good eggs for the procedure.

We are going to look into Accupuncture and Traditional Chinese Medicine as it as been linked to helping with infertility. Not to mention the already 800 supplements that we are already taking!

We are going to look into another doctor's appt to make sure we have all the questions answered and all the possible treatment options available as well as making sure the procedure of the biopsy is the best possible option for looking for sperm.

Jason is going to do another semen analysis once to twice more within these next few months to see if anything has changed. Shit, I'd be thrilled with even a few thousand. We are ok with the IVF it's just the possibility of sperm or no sperm that has us the most worried.

Waiting until we are sure we are ready and have the best possible chance for finding sperm (and of decent quality) will give us the peace for taking the most expensive leap of faith ever!!!!!

If this fails it's going to be heartbreaking and we will take a break for a few years, maybe be put on a waiting list for adoption (since it takes 4-5 years and can be 30k+) . Of course my dream would be to carry a baby and knowing that may never happen makes me sick...something I hate to think about but have to...Who knows maybe do donor embryos....or there may be medical advances or a miracle that happen during that wait...

I'm hoping during this wait/journey I can learn to be happy for others again, learn to not let it hurt me when people discover or talk about thier pregnancies  and learn just alot in general overall with my life.

If anyone has any questions, advice, etc please feel free to share or talk with us. Obviously we aren't ashamed to talk about this journey so we welcome everyone, if we don't feel like talking about it at that certain time believe me we will tell you :) We aren't asking anyone to agree with our decision just for support. We ask for prayers and good thoughts to  guide us through our decision, our journey and most of all that we find sperm!!! :) As always thank you all ~~~~<3

*Don't be discouraged. It's often the last key in the bunch that opens the lock. - Unknown*

Some Information For You!

Just thought if anyone didn't really understand IVF here's a website that I found that explains it the best way I could find... (we would be doing the IVF with ICSI)
(Due to security reasons and whatever and whatnot I had to delete the links to the information. Sorry.) 
Also if anyone is interested in reading anything about infertility or helping others with the disease this is a great website I visit often!

http://resolve.org/

*A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step. – Lao Tze*

Decisions, Options, and Thoughts ...OH MY!!!

So the appt at the Fertility Clinic went fairly well. I'll try to keep this post mostly informative without emotions, feelings and thoughts since we still have yet to discuss what we may do.

First of all they were running an hour and a half behind, ugh. So we were already at edge with all the waiting and then with each other because we both were annoyed and anxious. Finally the Dr came in and discussed our options and his thoughts and opinions. Here's what he said in a nutshell...

1. The chances of conceiving naturally are null. There are always "non-medical miracles of course"
2. He sees no point in re-testing a semen analysis or blood work. He will let us do another semen analysis just for peace of mind however.
3. We can do in vitro fertilization (IVF)
4. With IVF Jason needs a biopsy done to "look/get sperm". Based on his blood work if his levels were higher the Dr would give us "no hope" but with the results Jason has he gives us "some hope".
5. We have the option to have Jason get the biopsy done whenever, if they find sperm they will freeze it. The Dr suggests Jason have the biopsy done on the day I would have my eggs retrived because the chances of successful IVF is better with fresh sperm rather than frozen.
6. In Jason's condition the sperm (if found) would be not as mature as that found in the "out track" or in the ejaculate and would still be a significantly smaller amount then "normal" . Therefore if that sperm is frozen the chances of it surviving the thaw are slim.
7. If we decide to do the biopsy/IVF together than we can cancel the cycle if no sperm is found OR have donor as a back up.

Hence, ALOT of decisions, ALOT of information, ALOT of things to take in, stew on and discuss....
I think that was all but my mind is a crazy mess now and if I think of anything else I will add to it!
Thank you for keeping us in your thoughts and praying for us. Now I'm just praying for guidance and to make the right decision.  ~~~<3


*The hardest thing to learn in life is which bridge to cross and which to burn. -David Russell*

Time to put this Hope and Faith into action...

Well tomorrow is the big day that I've been waiting for for almost 2 months. I'm very nervous and anxious. I'm hoping we get answers, plans and other things but I just hope it isn't a huge disappointment like the last few visits to different doctors.


Off the subject the holidays were nice and we had a good time with all the families. We had a nice (but short, due to my working) dinner for my dad's birthday on Sunday and are looking foward to a nice dinner for Jason's dad's birthday tomorrow evening.


Please keep us in your prayers, thoughts or whatever your choosing for a higher up power for tomorrow and hope that we get some good answers and possibly good news!
Thanks All~~~<3


* Your present circumstances don't determine where you can go; they merely determine where you start. -Nido Qubein*

A Title-less Post

Well I was thinking I should write in the blog everyday to keep up with it but then it wouldn't be so much about "Our Journey" but just an "everday" kind of blog with all my rants and raves. However, I do think I need to write in it every now and then just to keep up, like I stated. So here's some of my recent rants and raves haha...

Of course I am anxiously awaiting our appointment on the 3rd. I'm trying hard to fill my mind with Christmas and other things but it's always on my mind. I should just wave the white flag now and come to the conclusion that there is no help for the way I think and feel.
 I can't even seem to be in the Christmas spirit this year. I never thought that would happen, I LOVE Christmas. Now I'm annoyed by it; the crowds, the buying of presents, everything. It's sad really, it really bums me out. I'm not even a bit excited. Booo.

I feel as though I've become a hermit crab these past few weeks. I don't want to leave my house and barely leave my couch or bed. I'm sleeping so much again. I also feel as though I've become someone I don't want to be. I'm mean and everything annoys me. I just simply don't care anymore, I've been hardened. But I know it's not me and I don't like it! Not to mention I am finding my comfort this past year and now definitely these past few months, in food. Ughh. I feel like such a fatass. All I want is greasy bad for you comfort food and its all I eat. I'm eating my feelings, I've come to that. I feel as though I'm losing hope, faith and positivity. All of which I need to be more stronger than ever. I need to find my faith in God again but how? It's so hard. I'll do it, I just need to push myself. It's alot easier said than done but I've got to do it!

I could get on an anti-depressant but for the past year like that and everything else I've not done it because of the chance I MAY get pregnant. It upsets me that I haven't done things I could of this past year because I thought I'd be pregnant one of those days. I quit tanning (ok  I know its bad for you, but it helps with seasonal depression. and I ended up starting back up again), I wanted laser hair removal for my legs but didn't want to risk it just in case. I have a huge polyp in my nose that blocks my airway and causes drainage (ughh so annoying) but I didn't want to have surgery on it because I want to save all my days off for pregnancy related issues. I guess it can kind of be a blessing in disguise because I saved money from not having the laser procedure to put towards the IVF (if that is what we end up doing) and saved my days off for any procedures we may have to have done (again if that's what ends up being done).

I'm very curious to see what the RE will say at our appt. From my research I've done here's a simple explanation of what I've found and am trying to piece together.
1. Once testicular failure happens it can get worse over time, or can get better. But mostly worse. It's unpredictable.
2. A microsurgery exploration for sperm is best, but is limited in the state and is hella expensive. The next best thing is an exploration and then a biopsy. The more that is done, the more damage can be done and the testicles tend to "shut down" even more and more.
3. The best sperm to use is fresh sperm from one of the procedures, in the case of testicular failure the majority of sperm found is immature. If they freeze this sperm for future use it usually doesn't live through the thawing stage.
4. Therefore most Drs want to do an in vitro cycle in sync with the man's surgery. However, if no sperm is found I've went through the procdure and and the money of IVF for "nothing" (and I use this term loosely as I have no other idea how to word it :/ )

I'm worried about Jason. I had a feeling his hormone levels might be off because he is always tired and sort of grumpy. He just doesn't seem "himself" over the past few years. I have a feeling some of it may be the stress of his job but that can't be all of it.  His testosterone level is considered normal but from more research I've found that they use a level for men from 20-100 years old (that's a wide range. normal is 300-1000)! There is further breakdown and his levels are normal for a 85-100 year old ( those levels are in the 300s. late twenty's should be in the 600-700s)!  Problem is that testosterone supplements actually kill sperm and further affect fertility and testicular function (crazy right?! I thought it was a helper, but the male reprodcutive system is slightly odd...fits right in for the male species though right? hahahaha) I want my husband back and I want him to feel right and healthy. I love him so much and it breaks my heart for him (ugh..tearing up just writing this). I want him to be able to take something but at the time I don't know what we can do because we will have to wait until after we find out about the "sperm" situation. Even then, it may be months before something can be done about that.

Whewww ok, that was more long winded than i thought but I've had alot on my mind as usual.
I hope you all have a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!!

*We cannot direct the wind but we can adjust the sails. - Dolly Parton*

The Heart Of The Matter

Why, Why Why??? This is what I’m struggling with most and always.
 
When the OBGYN first called I was devastated and all weekend I was a mess. All I knew was I heard NO sperm and thought, that’s it, it’s over. But the more I researched online the more I found it was possible we could still have a child together.  I never thought I’d know this much about the male reproductive system, sperm and tests and procedures. The problem with Male Infertility is that it is still a relatively new area of study so not much is known about it or why it happens and what can be done to fix it. There are only a handful of doctors who truly specialize in this. Problem One.  Infertility isn’t considered a disease to insurance companies, having a baby is a privilege. Therefore infertility medications, treatments, ect aren’t covered.  Problem Two.

The more tests that are being done we now find ourselves closer to where we originally started. The possibility of us having a biological child together are slim to none .First my dream was to have a natural conception the way the life intends, now I don’t care how I have a child but I wish to have one with my husband. This is devastating to think of and even worse to try and express to people because hardly anyone has ever had to deal with that possibility and know what we are going through and how we feel.  Jason is angry and rightfully so. It's hard to talk with him because well he's a guy and that's just how they are! I think everyone will understand that, I don't think I need to go into detail as to why...
As for me I'm sad, angry, hurt and confused. I don't know why we were dealt this hand but we were. It's something we have to deal with and move on and find our options and choices but I still ask myself "why us" every frickin day.

It's hard to see all my facebook friends and coworkers announcing thier pregnancies. I'm happy for everyone of course but it's so hard to see and hear all the good news. I hope they all understand why I'm not involved in congrats and talks of new babies. It's devestating and I've found myself crying over it more than a few times.  I've joined a few forums (discussion boards) with those who are dealing with Male Factor Infertility and one specifically for those who have(mostly the wives of those) Azoospermia. It's even hard to see those girls announcing thier pregnancies, but granted they have had years of trying, procedures, woes and tears and deserve the happiness and pregnancies every bit! It's wierd to think I don't even know these ladies personally but find myself so close to them, sharing things that only we can understand. These forums have helped me tremedously with things to ask, expect, and overall take in.

This infertility has affected EVERY aspect of my life and has consumed me. As hard as I try not to, it's ALL I think about.  I love my job a lot but find it hard to come to work everyday now. It's so hard to see moms who are on thier 6th Ooops babies, don't want their children or abuse their babies( in my opinion no prenatal care, drug use and other stupid things they do). There are young girls who have been pregnant 5 times already and don't appreciate their children. It's hard now when the parents or visitors ask "So you must have children of your own, do you?"  Or the coworkers who don't know my struggle ask, "So why aren't you pregnant yet?".  I can hold and cuddle these babies and I just dream one day I'll have my own.

Now as I've stated before we go for our follow up appt Jan 3. We will find out then what the Dr feels our options are and what we can do. We don't know 100% for sure what will happen but we have a pretty good idea. Jason can have a biopsy done to see for sure if he is producing sperm at all, but when they do that they could find that sperm is not being produced whatsoever. There is a more in depth biopsy that is a microsurgery and the chances of finding sperm with this procedure are even greater. BUT keep in mind, this is all out of pocket.  We'd all like to think we'd do whatever possible to find out if we can have a child together but throw in medications, fees, and in vitro on top of this all and we are looking at well over 30K. We could go through all of that and still end up emptied handed. So we've got a lot of options and possiblities to weigh. It's something that hurts my head and more so my heart. No matter what kind of child we have we want to have a future for that child.

We've touched on the possibility of having to use a donor. VERY briefly touched on it, it's a senstive subject and one we hope we won't need. But, like I've stated we need to know our possiblities and options. There is talk of if that child would be loved like one of our own (family included) which I have no doubt in my mind it would. Like those statements that float around say..."anyone can be a sperm or egg donor but it takes a special person to be a parent". I am a woman, I want to be a mother, I have to be. It's in my blood, I know I want children to love and shower and show the world.  And I know I love my husband more than anything in the world. And I know I'd rather have nobody other than him to share that with, no matter how that ends up. He's my world and we are in this together.  We won't love DNA,  we will love a child.

If anyone has any questions or anything just ask us. We aren't ashamed to talk about Our Journey. Infertility is a disease and a struggle just like diabetes or cancer. Those of us who struggle with it shouldn't be ashamed or hide. We appreciate everyone's thoughts, kind words and prayers for us. Again, we thank you all ~~~~~ <3

*Obstacles don't have to stop you. If you run into a wall, don't turn around and give up. Figure out how to climb it, go through it, or work around it. - Michael Jordan *

The Steps Of The Ladder

Quick Facts
Infertility is defined as the inability to conceive after 12 months of trying. Infertility affects 1 in 8 couples and in 30% of those infertile couples there is a male factor issue (our case). In those 30% that are affect with male factor only 5% are affected with Azoospermia (our case again). Azoospermia is defined as the complete absence of sperm in the ejaculate. The cause can either be obstructive or non-obstructive. Our case seems to be Non-Obstructive which affects only 1% of the male population.

Our Appointments and Findings
We began Our Journey in October 2010, we were married, we did everything the way you're supposed to right? Got married and threw out the birth control pills. Getting pregnant is easy or so we thought. I mean I see it every day at work. Little did I know I would find out ALOT about my own body and later on about the male reproductive system. If most people knew how hard it is to actually get pregnant it makes us wonder how there are so many pregnancies out there!!! After months of frustration and tears and whys I went for a Laproscopy August 24th to search for Endometrosis and possible cause of cramps, infrequent bleeding and maybe infertility? My OBGYN decided to do a Tubal Perfusion Study to make sure my Fallopian Tubes were open and accepting of sperm and allowing my eggs to make their journey. Overall everything looked great. I have some mild Endometrosis on my bladder and the front of my uterus but nothing that would cause infertility. So the OBGYN suggested we send Jason for a Sperm Analysis just to make sure everything was good with him.

Onto September 12th after much convincing and pushing Jason drops off his sample to the office at IVF of Michigan at Hurley. On September 16th (I'll never forget that moment) I got the call from my OBGYN's office that Jason's sample contained no sperm at all and that he would need to follow up with his Primary doctor for further evaluation. On September 20th Jason's Primary decided he needed blood work to check his hormones and everything else under the sun and an ultrasound(which the ultrasound was done on Sep. 27)On October 4th Jason had his follow up appointment to discuss the results. His ultrasound was normal, everything structurally was fine and there were no varocieles or blood vessels affecting things. 95% of his blood work was normal but his LSH (a hormone responsible for sperm production) was normal high, his LH (another sperm production hormone) was normal high and his Testosterone was normal low. His Primary was going to talk with specialists and decide who Jason needed to be seen by, but in the mean time he had Jason get a Chromosome study done (more blood work).

Jason's primary decided we needed to see a Fertility Specialist (Reproductive Endocrinologist) and sent us to Michigan IVF. Here we are in November and on the 9th we had our consult appt at Michigan IVF. The Dr said he didn't believe any of Jason's hormones were too much of an issue and just went over all of our reproductive history and bloodwork, also finding out that Jason's Chromosomes were normal! :) We decided to have myself go for bloodwork and ultrasounds to get those out of the way ( you need to have them done in order to have any type of reproductive assistance [see it as them covering ALL bases]).  He suggested Jason go to a Urologist to see what his opinion is and then we would all meet back up in January to discuss our results and options.
Jason was able to get into a Urologist(who's website claims he specializes in Male Infertility, which I now know is false).  On November 17th the Urologist pretty much said the same thing as the Fertility specialist and said he would do another type of ultrasound and if that was fine that he couldn't help Jason any further. How ironic while at Jason's appt I start my period, which I was waiting for so I could get my bloodwork done and schedule my ultrasounds. If there is one thing about assistance with reproduction it's that cycle days and times are VERY IMPORTANT . November 18th I go and get LITERALLY 8 vials of blood work done. Then that next day I start birth control pills to keep my insides "quiet" for the upcoming ultrasound. Whoever thought I'd need to be on birth control to try and have a baby!

Here comes December and on the 6th Jason goes for his very intrusive (I'm sure you get the idea ) ultrasound  at the Urologists and I go later that day for my intrusive ultrasounds at the Fertility Clinic (get the idea again?) I could have kicked myself in the ass because Jason wanted me to go with him for the ultrasound but I thought he would be too uncomfortable with that and that a tech would be the one doing it. Well NO of course not, it was the Uro himself. Jason came out saying he didn't understand anything he said (gggrrrrrrr!) but the Dr did talk in all Medical Terms so it was understandable he didn't know. He pretty much did say that structurally everything was OK (we were hoping for a blockage or missing tube [sounds funny right, that we were hoping for something wrong like that hahaha!] ) so since everything was OK, the Uro couldn't help us any more and says that Jason's problem is production rather than delivery. 
During my ultrasound the nurse finds a possible fibroid or polyp in or on my uterus. GRRRappt in January. But either way it will have to come out before any type of procedure is done.
Now we find ourselves waiting AGAIN until our appt on January 3. Waiting seems to be a common thing with infertility. I am waiting impatiently, no surprsie.
Since this was alot to read I'm going to break up the posts and do the next one as all our feelings, thoughts and concerns. Thanks for sticking around :)


*It is during our darkest moments that we must focus to see the light. -Aristotle Onassis*

Warning!

Just going to give all of you a heads up and a warning. The next post is going to be VERY long. All the rest of the posts will probably offend or upset at least someone, but PLEASE know that is not my intention whatsoever. This IS our life and these are our true and raw emotions and circumstances. Try not to take offense and also know that some of the information may be a little much (especially if your family :)  ) but overall I’ll keep it the best I can!!!


*For A Gallant Spirit There Can Never Be Defeat- Wallis Simpson*

Something New

So I've decided to try a whole new world here, a blog. We've got a lot of friends and family who are super supportive of our journey to try and add an addition to our family. When things happen it's hard to update everyone at the same time so I've decided to create this blog! It will help anyone who wants to keep up with us on our long and hard road!
Thank You All ~~~ <3

* What Lies Behind Us and What Lies Before Us Are Tiny Matters Compared To What Lies Within Us- Ralph Waldo Emerson*