Well I was thinking I should write in the blog everyday to keep up with it but then it wouldn't be so much about "Our Journey" but just an "everday" kind of blog with all my rants and raves. However, I do think I need to write in it every now and then just to keep up, like I stated. So here's some of my recent rants and raves haha...
Of course I am anxiously awaiting our appointment on the 3rd. I'm trying hard to fill my mind with Christmas and other things but it's always on my mind. I should just wave the white flag now and come to the conclusion that there is no help for the way I think and feel.
I can't even seem to be in the Christmas spirit this year. I never thought that would happen, I LOVE Christmas. Now I'm annoyed by it; the crowds, the buying of presents, everything. It's sad really, it really bums me out. I'm not even a bit excited. Booo.
I feel as though I've become a hermit crab these past few weeks. I don't want to leave my house and barely leave my couch or bed. I'm sleeping so much again. I also feel as though I've become someone I don't want to be. I'm mean and everything annoys me. I just simply don't care anymore, I've been hardened. But I know it's not me and I don't like it! Not to mention I am finding my comfort this past year and now definitely these past few months, in food. Ughh. I feel like such a fatass. All I want is greasy bad for you comfort food and its all I eat. I'm eating my feelings, I've come to that. I feel as though I'm losing hope, faith and positivity. All of which I need to be more stronger than ever. I need to find my faith in God again but how? It's so hard. I'll do it, I just need to push myself. It's alot easier said than done but I've got to do it!
I could get on an anti-depressant but for the past year like that and everything else I've not done it because of the chance I MAY get pregnant. It upsets me that I haven't done things I could of this past year because I thought I'd be pregnant one of those days. I quit tanning (ok I know its bad for you, but it helps with seasonal depression. and I ended up starting back up again), I wanted laser hair removal for my legs but didn't want to risk it just in case. I have a huge polyp in my nose that blocks my airway and causes drainage (ughh so annoying) but I didn't want to have surgery on it because I want to save all my days off for pregnancy related issues. I guess it can kind of be a blessing in disguise because I saved money from not having the laser procedure to put towards the IVF (if that is what we end up doing) and saved my days off for any procedures we may have to have done (again if that's what ends up being done).
I'm very curious to see what the RE will say at our appt. From my research I've done here's a simple explanation of what I've found and am trying to piece together.
1. Once testicular failure happens it can get worse over time, or can get better. But mostly worse. It's unpredictable.
2. A microsurgery exploration for sperm is best, but is limited in the state and is hella expensive. The next best thing is an exploration and then a biopsy. The more that is done, the more damage can be done and the testicles tend to "shut down" even more and more.
3. The best sperm to use is fresh sperm from one of the procedures, in the case of testicular failure the majority of sperm found is immature. If they freeze this sperm for future use it usually doesn't live through the thawing stage.
4. Therefore most Drs want to do an in vitro cycle in sync with the man's surgery. However, if no sperm is found I've went through the procdure and and the money of IVF for "nothing" (and I use this term loosely as I have no other idea how to word it :/ )
I'm worried about Jason. I had a feeling his hormone levels might be off because he is always tired and sort of grumpy. He just doesn't seem "himself" over the past few years. I have a feeling some of it may be the stress of his job but that can't be all of it. His testosterone level is considered normal but from more research I've found that they use a level for men from 20-100 years old (that's a wide range. normal is 300-1000)! There is further breakdown and his levels are normal for a 85-100 year old ( those levels are in the 300s. late twenty's should be in the 600-700s)! Problem is that testosterone supplements actually kill sperm and further affect fertility and testicular function (crazy right?! I thought it was a helper, but the male reprodcutive system is slightly odd...fits right in for the male species though right? hahahaha) I want my husband back and I want him to feel right and healthy. I love him so much and it breaks my heart for him (ugh..tearing up just writing this). I want him to be able to take something but at the time I don't know what we can do because we will have to wait until after we find out about the "sperm" situation. Even then, it may be months before something can be done about that.
Whewww ok, that was more long winded than i thought but I've had alot on my mind as usual.
I hope you all have a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!!
*We cannot direct the wind but we can adjust the sails. - Dolly Parton*
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
Monday, December 12, 2011
The Heart Of The Matter
Why, Why Why??? This is what I’m struggling with most and always.
When the OBGYN first called I was devastated and all weekend I was a mess. All I knew was I heard NO sperm and thought, that’s it, it’s over. But the more I researched online the more I found it was possible we could still have a child together. I never thought I’d know this much about the male reproductive system, sperm and tests and procedures. The problem with Male Infertility is that it is still a relatively new area of study so not much is known about it or why it happens and what can be done to fix it. There are only a handful of doctors who truly specialize in this. Problem One. Infertility isn’t considered a disease to insurance companies, having a baby is a privilege. Therefore infertility medications, treatments, ect aren’t covered. Problem Two.
The more tests that are being done we now find ourselves closer to where we originally started. The possibility of us having a biological child together are slim to none .First my dream was to have a natural conception the way the life intends, now I don’t care how I have a child but I wish to have one with my husband. This is devastating to think of and even worse to try and express to people because hardly anyone has ever had to deal with that possibility and know what we are going through and how we feel. Jason is angry and rightfully so. It's hard to talk with him because well he's a guy and that's just how they are! I think everyone will understand that, I don't think I need to go into detail as to why...
As for me I'm sad, angry, hurt and confused. I don't know why we were dealt this hand but we were. It's something we have to deal with and move on and find our options and choices but I still ask myself "why us" every frickin day.
It's hard to see all my facebook friends and coworkers announcing thier pregnancies. I'm happy for everyone of course but it's so hard to see and hear all the good news. I hope they all understand why I'm not involved in congrats and talks of new babies. It's devestating and I've found myself crying over it more than a few times. I've joined a few forums (discussion boards) with those who are dealing with Male Factor Infertility and one specifically for those who have(mostly the wives of those) Azoospermia. It's even hard to see those girls announcing thier pregnancies, but granted they have had years of trying, procedures, woes and tears and deserve the happiness and pregnancies every bit! It's wierd to think I don't even know these ladies personally but find myself so close to them, sharing things that only we can understand. These forums have helped me tremedously with things to ask, expect, and overall take in.
This infertility has affected EVERY aspect of my life and has consumed me. As hard as I try not to, it's ALL I think about. I love my job a lot but find it hard to come to work everyday now. It's so hard to see moms who are on thier 6th Ooops babies, don't want their children or abuse their babies( in my opinion no prenatal care, drug use and other stupid things they do). There are young girls who have been pregnant 5 times already and don't appreciate their children. It's hard now when the parents or visitors ask "So you must have children of your own, do you?" Or the coworkers who don't know my struggle ask, "So why aren't you pregnant yet?". I can hold and cuddle these babies and I just dream one day I'll have my own.
Now as I've stated before we go for our follow up appt Jan 3. We will find out then what the Dr feels our options are and what we can do. We don't know 100% for sure what will happen but we have a pretty good idea. Jason can have a biopsy done to see for sure if he is producing sperm at all, but when they do that they could find that sperm is not being produced whatsoever. There is a more in depth biopsy that is a microsurgery and the chances of finding sperm with this procedure are even greater. BUT keep in mind, this is all out of pocket. We'd all like to think we'd do whatever possible to find out if we can have a child together but throw in medications, fees, and in vitro on top of this all and we are looking at well over 30K. We could go through all of that and still end up emptied handed. So we've got a lot of options and possiblities to weigh. It's something that hurts my head and more so my heart. No matter what kind of child we have we want to have a future for that child.
We've touched on the possibility of having to use a donor. VERY briefly touched on it, it's a senstive subject and one we hope we won't need. But, like I've stated we need to know our possiblities and options. There is talk of if that child would be loved like one of our own (family included) which I have no doubt in my mind it would. Like those statements that float around say..."anyone can be a sperm or egg donor but it takes a special person to be a parent". I am a woman, I want to be a mother, I have to be. It's in my blood, I know I want children to love and shower and show the world. And I know I love my husband more than anything in the world. And I know I'd rather have nobody other than him to share that with, no matter how that ends up. He's my world and we are in this together. We won't love DNA, we will love a child.
If anyone has any questions or anything just ask us. We aren't ashamed to talk about Our Journey. Infertility is a disease and a struggle just like diabetes or cancer. Those of us who struggle with it shouldn't be ashamed or hide. We appreciate everyone's thoughts, kind words and prayers for us. Again, we thank you all ~~~~~ <3
When the OBGYN first called I was devastated and all weekend I was a mess. All I knew was I heard NO sperm and thought, that’s it, it’s over. But the more I researched online the more I found it was possible we could still have a child together. I never thought I’d know this much about the male reproductive system, sperm and tests and procedures. The problem with Male Infertility is that it is still a relatively new area of study so not much is known about it or why it happens and what can be done to fix it. There are only a handful of doctors who truly specialize in this. Problem One. Infertility isn’t considered a disease to insurance companies, having a baby is a privilege. Therefore infertility medications, treatments, ect aren’t covered. Problem Two.
The more tests that are being done we now find ourselves closer to where we originally started. The possibility of us having a biological child together are slim to none .First my dream was to have a natural conception the way the life intends, now I don’t care how I have a child but I wish to have one with my husband. This is devastating to think of and even worse to try and express to people because hardly anyone has ever had to deal with that possibility and know what we are going through and how we feel. Jason is angry and rightfully so. It's hard to talk with him because well he's a guy and that's just how they are! I think everyone will understand that, I don't think I need to go into detail as to why...
As for me I'm sad, angry, hurt and confused. I don't know why we were dealt this hand but we were. It's something we have to deal with and move on and find our options and choices but I still ask myself "why us" every frickin day.
It's hard to see all my facebook friends and coworkers announcing thier pregnancies. I'm happy for everyone of course but it's so hard to see and hear all the good news. I hope they all understand why I'm not involved in congrats and talks of new babies. It's devestating and I've found myself crying over it more than a few times. I've joined a few forums (discussion boards) with those who are dealing with Male Factor Infertility and one specifically for those who have(mostly the wives of those) Azoospermia. It's even hard to see those girls announcing thier pregnancies, but granted they have had years of trying, procedures, woes and tears and deserve the happiness and pregnancies every bit! It's wierd to think I don't even know these ladies personally but find myself so close to them, sharing things that only we can understand. These forums have helped me tremedously with things to ask, expect, and overall take in.
This infertility has affected EVERY aspect of my life and has consumed me. As hard as I try not to, it's ALL I think about. I love my job a lot but find it hard to come to work everyday now. It's so hard to see moms who are on thier 6th Ooops babies, don't want their children or abuse their babies( in my opinion no prenatal care, drug use and other stupid things they do). There are young girls who have been pregnant 5 times already and don't appreciate their children. It's hard now when the parents or visitors ask "So you must have children of your own, do you?" Or the coworkers who don't know my struggle ask, "So why aren't you pregnant yet?". I can hold and cuddle these babies and I just dream one day I'll have my own.
Now as I've stated before we go for our follow up appt Jan 3. We will find out then what the Dr feels our options are and what we can do. We don't know 100% for sure what will happen but we have a pretty good idea. Jason can have a biopsy done to see for sure if he is producing sperm at all, but when they do that they could find that sperm is not being produced whatsoever. There is a more in depth biopsy that is a microsurgery and the chances of finding sperm with this procedure are even greater. BUT keep in mind, this is all out of pocket. We'd all like to think we'd do whatever possible to find out if we can have a child together but throw in medications, fees, and in vitro on top of this all and we are looking at well over 30K. We could go through all of that and still end up emptied handed. So we've got a lot of options and possiblities to weigh. It's something that hurts my head and more so my heart. No matter what kind of child we have we want to have a future for that child.
We've touched on the possibility of having to use a donor. VERY briefly touched on it, it's a senstive subject and one we hope we won't need. But, like I've stated we need to know our possiblities and options. There is talk of if that child would be loved like one of our own (family included) which I have no doubt in my mind it would. Like those statements that float around say..."anyone can be a sperm or egg donor but it takes a special person to be a parent". I am a woman, I want to be a mother, I have to be. It's in my blood, I know I want children to love and shower and show the world. And I know I love my husband more than anything in the world. And I know I'd rather have nobody other than him to share that with, no matter how that ends up. He's my world and we are in this together. We won't love DNA, we will love a child.
If anyone has any questions or anything just ask us. We aren't ashamed to talk about Our Journey. Infertility is a disease and a struggle just like diabetes or cancer. Those of us who struggle with it shouldn't be ashamed or hide. We appreciate everyone's thoughts, kind words and prayers for us. Again, we thank you all ~~~~~ <3
*Obstacles don't have to stop you. If you run into a wall, don't turn around and give up. Figure out how to climb it, go through it, or work around it. - Michael Jordan *
The Steps Of The Ladder
Quick Facts
Infertility is defined as the inability to conceive after 12 months of trying. Infertility affects 1 in 8 couples and in 30% of those infertile couples there is a male factor issue (our case). In those 30% that are affect with male factor only 5% are affected with Azoospermia (our case again). Azoospermia is defined as the complete absence of sperm in the ejaculate. The cause can either be obstructive or non-obstructive. Our case seems to be Non-Obstructive which affects only 1% of the male population.
Our Appointments and Findings
We began Our Journey in October 2010, we were married, we did everything the way you're supposed to right? Got married and threw out the birth control pills. Getting pregnant is easy or so we thought. I mean I see it every day at work. Little did I know I would find out ALOT about my own body and later on about the male reproductive system. If most people knew how hard it is to actually get pregnant it makes us wonder how there are so many pregnancies out there!!! After months of frustration and tears and whys I went for a Laproscopy August 24th to search for Endometrosis and possible cause of cramps, infrequent bleeding and maybe infertility? My OBGYN decided to do a Tubal Perfusion Study to make sure my Fallopian Tubes were open and accepting of sperm and allowing my eggs to make their journey. Overall everything looked great. I have some mild Endometrosis on my bladder and the front of my uterus but nothing that would cause infertility. So the OBGYN suggested we send Jason for a Sperm Analysis just to make sure everything was good with him.
Onto September 12th after much convincing and pushing Jason drops off his sample to the office at IVF of Michigan at Hurley. On September 16th (I'll never forget that moment) I got the call from my OBGYN's office that Jason's sample contained no sperm at all and that he would need to follow up with his Primary doctor for further evaluation. On September 20th Jason's Primary decided he needed blood work to check his hormones and everything else under the sun and an ultrasound(which the ultrasound was done on Sep. 27)On October 4th Jason had his follow up appointment to discuss the results. His ultrasound was normal, everything structurally was fine and there were no varocieles or blood vessels affecting things. 95% of his blood work was normal but his LSH (a hormone responsible for sperm production) was normal high, his LH (another sperm production hormone) was normal high and his Testosterone was normal low. His Primary was going to talk with specialists and decide who Jason needed to be seen by, but in the mean time he had Jason get a Chromosome study done (more blood work).
Jason's primary decided we needed to see a Fertility Specialist (Reproductive Endocrinologist) and sent us to Michigan IVF. Here we are in November and on the 9th we had our consult appt at Michigan IVF. The Dr said he didn't believe any of Jason's hormones were too much of an issue and just went over all of our reproductive history and bloodwork, also finding out that Jason's Chromosomes were normal! :) We decided to have myself go for bloodwork and ultrasounds to get those out of the way ( you need to have them done in order to have any type of reproductive assistance [see it as them covering ALL bases]). He suggested Jason go to a Urologist to see what his opinion is and then we would all meet back up in January to discuss our results and options.
Jason was able to get into a Urologist(who's website claims he specializes in Male Infertility, which I now know is false). On November 17th the Urologist pretty much said the same thing as the Fertility specialist and said he would do another type of ultrasound and if that was fine that he couldn't help Jason any further. How ironic while at Jason's appt I start my period, which I was waiting for so I could get my bloodwork done and schedule my ultrasounds. If there is one thing about assistance with reproduction it's that cycle days and times are VERY IMPORTANT . November 18th I go and get LITERALLY 8 vials of blood work done. Then that next day I start birth control pills to keep my insides "quiet" for the upcoming ultrasound. Whoever thought I'd need to be on birth control to try and have a baby!
Here comes December and on the 6th Jason goes for his very intrusive (I'm sure you get the idea ) ultrasound at the Urologists and I go later that day for my intrusive ultrasounds at the Fertility Clinic (get the idea again?) I could have kicked myself in the ass because Jason wanted me to go with him for the ultrasound but I thought he would be too uncomfortable with that and that a tech would be the one doing it. Well NO of course not, it was the Uro himself. Jason came out saying he didn't understand anything he said (gggrrrrrrr!) but the Dr did talk in all Medical Terms so it was understandable he didn't know. He pretty much did say that structurally everything was OK (we were hoping for a blockage or missing tube [sounds funny right, that we were hoping for something wrong like that hahaha!] ) so since everything was OK, the Uro couldn't help us any more and says that Jason's problem is production rather than delivery.
During my ultrasound the nurse finds a possible fibroid or polyp in or on my uterus. GRRRappt in January. But either way it will have to come out before any type of procedure is done.
Now we find ourselves waiting AGAIN until our appt on January 3. Waiting seems to be a common thing with infertility. I am waiting impatiently, no surprsie.
Since this was alot to read I'm going to break up the posts and do the next one as all our feelings, thoughts and concerns. Thanks for sticking around :)
*It is during our darkest moments that we must focus to see the light. -Aristotle Onassis*
Infertility is defined as the inability to conceive after 12 months of trying. Infertility affects 1 in 8 couples and in 30% of those infertile couples there is a male factor issue (our case). In those 30% that are affect with male factor only 5% are affected with Azoospermia (our case again). Azoospermia is defined as the complete absence of sperm in the ejaculate. The cause can either be obstructive or non-obstructive. Our case seems to be Non-Obstructive which affects only 1% of the male population.
Our Appointments and Findings
We began Our Journey in October 2010, we were married, we did everything the way you're supposed to right? Got married and threw out the birth control pills. Getting pregnant is easy or so we thought. I mean I see it every day at work. Little did I know I would find out ALOT about my own body and later on about the male reproductive system. If most people knew how hard it is to actually get pregnant it makes us wonder how there are so many pregnancies out there!!! After months of frustration and tears and whys I went for a Laproscopy August 24th to search for Endometrosis and possible cause of cramps, infrequent bleeding and maybe infertility? My OBGYN decided to do a Tubal Perfusion Study to make sure my Fallopian Tubes were open and accepting of sperm and allowing my eggs to make their journey. Overall everything looked great. I have some mild Endometrosis on my bladder and the front of my uterus but nothing that would cause infertility. So the OBGYN suggested we send Jason for a Sperm Analysis just to make sure everything was good with him.
Onto September 12th after much convincing and pushing Jason drops off his sample to the office at IVF of Michigan at Hurley. On September 16th (I'll never forget that moment) I got the call from my OBGYN's office that Jason's sample contained no sperm at all and that he would need to follow up with his Primary doctor for further evaluation. On September 20th Jason's Primary decided he needed blood work to check his hormones and everything else under the sun and an ultrasound(which the ultrasound was done on Sep. 27)On October 4th Jason had his follow up appointment to discuss the results. His ultrasound was normal, everything structurally was fine and there were no varocieles or blood vessels affecting things. 95% of his blood work was normal but his LSH (a hormone responsible for sperm production) was normal high, his LH (another sperm production hormone) was normal high and his Testosterone was normal low. His Primary was going to talk with specialists and decide who Jason needed to be seen by, but in the mean time he had Jason get a Chromosome study done (more blood work).
Jason's primary decided we needed to see a Fertility Specialist (Reproductive Endocrinologist) and sent us to Michigan IVF. Here we are in November and on the 9th we had our consult appt at Michigan IVF. The Dr said he didn't believe any of Jason's hormones were too much of an issue and just went over all of our reproductive history and bloodwork, also finding out that Jason's Chromosomes were normal! :) We decided to have myself go for bloodwork and ultrasounds to get those out of the way ( you need to have them done in order to have any type of reproductive assistance [see it as them covering ALL bases]). He suggested Jason go to a Urologist to see what his opinion is and then we would all meet back up in January to discuss our results and options.
Jason was able to get into a Urologist(who's website claims he specializes in Male Infertility, which I now know is false). On November 17th the Urologist pretty much said the same thing as the Fertility specialist and said he would do another type of ultrasound and if that was fine that he couldn't help Jason any further. How ironic while at Jason's appt I start my period, which I was waiting for so I could get my bloodwork done and schedule my ultrasounds. If there is one thing about assistance with reproduction it's that cycle days and times are VERY IMPORTANT . November 18th I go and get LITERALLY 8 vials of blood work done. Then that next day I start birth control pills to keep my insides "quiet" for the upcoming ultrasound. Whoever thought I'd need to be on birth control to try and have a baby!
Here comes December and on the 6th Jason goes for his very intrusive (I'm sure you get the idea ) ultrasound at the Urologists and I go later that day for my intrusive ultrasounds at the Fertility Clinic (get the idea again?) I could have kicked myself in the ass because Jason wanted me to go with him for the ultrasound but I thought he would be too uncomfortable with that and that a tech would be the one doing it. Well NO of course not, it was the Uro himself. Jason came out saying he didn't understand anything he said (gggrrrrrrr!) but the Dr did talk in all Medical Terms so it was understandable he didn't know. He pretty much did say that structurally everything was OK (we were hoping for a blockage or missing tube [sounds funny right, that we were hoping for something wrong like that hahaha!] ) so since everything was OK, the Uro couldn't help us any more and says that Jason's problem is production rather than delivery.
During my ultrasound the nurse finds a possible fibroid or polyp in or on my uterus. GRRRappt in January. But either way it will have to come out before any type of procedure is done.
Now we find ourselves waiting AGAIN until our appt on January 3. Waiting seems to be a common thing with infertility. I am waiting impatiently, no surprsie.
Since this was alot to read I'm going to break up the posts and do the next one as all our feelings, thoughts and concerns. Thanks for sticking around :)
*It is during our darkest moments that we must focus to see the light. -Aristotle Onassis*
Sunday, December 11, 2011
Warning!
Just going to give all of you a heads up and a warning. The next post is going to be VERY long. All the rest of the posts will probably offend or upset at least someone, but PLEASE know that is not my intention whatsoever. This IS our life and these are our true and raw emotions and circumstances. Try not to take offense and also know that some of the information may be a little much (especially if your family :) ) but overall I’ll keep it the best I can!!!
*For A Gallant Spirit There Can Never Be Defeat- Wallis Simpson*
*For A Gallant Spirit There Can Never Be Defeat- Wallis Simpson*
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Something New
So I've decided to try a whole new world here, a blog. We've got a lot of friends and family who are super supportive of our journey to try and add an addition to our family. When things happen it's hard to update everyone at the same time so I've decided to create this blog! It will help anyone who wants to keep up with us on our long and hard road!
Thank You All ~~~ <3
* What Lies Behind Us and What Lies Before Us Are Tiny Matters Compared To What Lies Within Us- Ralph Waldo Emerson*
Thank You All ~~~ <3
* What Lies Behind Us and What Lies Before Us Are Tiny Matters Compared To What Lies Within Us- Ralph Waldo Emerson*
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)