Well I was thinking I should write in the blog everyday to keep up with it but then it wouldn't be so much about "Our Journey" but just an "everday" kind of blog with all my rants and raves. However, I do think I need to write in it every now and then just to keep up, like I stated. So here's some of my recent rants and raves haha...
Of course I am anxiously awaiting our appointment on the 3rd. I'm trying hard to fill my mind with Christmas and other things but it's always on my mind. I should just wave the white flag now and come to the conclusion that there is no help for the way I think and feel.
I can't even seem to be in the Christmas spirit this year. I never thought that would happen, I LOVE Christmas. Now I'm annoyed by it; the crowds, the buying of presents, everything. It's sad really, it really bums me out. I'm not even a bit excited. Booo.
I feel as though I've become a hermit crab these past few weeks. I don't want to leave my house and barely leave my couch or bed. I'm sleeping so much again. I also feel as though I've become someone I don't want to be. I'm mean and everything annoys me. I just simply don't care anymore, I've been hardened. But I know it's not me and I don't like it! Not to mention I am finding my comfort this past year and now definitely these past few months, in food. Ughh. I feel like such a fatass. All I want is greasy bad for you comfort food and its all I eat. I'm eating my feelings, I've come to that. I feel as though I'm losing hope, faith and positivity. All of which I need to be more stronger than ever. I need to find my faith in God again but how? It's so hard. I'll do it, I just need to push myself. It's alot easier said than done but I've got to do it!
I could get on an anti-depressant but for the past year like that and everything else I've not done it because of the chance I MAY get pregnant. It upsets me that I haven't done things I could of this past year because I thought I'd be pregnant one of those days. I quit tanning (ok I know its bad for you, but it helps with seasonal depression. and I ended up starting back up again), I wanted laser hair removal for my legs but didn't want to risk it just in case. I have a huge polyp in my nose that blocks my airway and causes drainage (ughh so annoying) but I didn't want to have surgery on it because I want to save all my days off for pregnancy related issues. I guess it can kind of be a blessing in disguise because I saved money from not having the laser procedure to put towards the IVF (if that is what we end up doing) and saved my days off for any procedures we may have to have done (again if that's what ends up being done).
I'm very curious to see what the RE will say at our appt. From my research I've done here's a simple explanation of what I've found and am trying to piece together.
1. Once testicular failure happens it can get worse over time, or can get better. But mostly worse. It's unpredictable.
2. A microsurgery exploration for sperm is best, but is limited in the state and is hella expensive. The next best thing is an exploration and then a biopsy. The more that is done, the more damage can be done and the testicles tend to "shut down" even more and more.
3. The best sperm to use is fresh sperm from one of the procedures, in the case of testicular failure the majority of sperm found is immature. If they freeze this sperm for future use it usually doesn't live through the thawing stage.
4. Therefore most Drs want to do an in vitro cycle in sync with the man's surgery. However, if no sperm is found I've went through the procdure and and the money of IVF for "nothing" (and I use this term loosely as I have no other idea how to word it :/ )
I'm worried about Jason. I had a feeling his hormone levels might be off because he is always tired and sort of grumpy. He just doesn't seem "himself" over the past few years. I have a feeling some of it may be the stress of his job but that can't be all of it. His testosterone level is considered normal but from more research I've found that they use a level for men from 20-100 years old (that's a wide range. normal is 300-1000)! There is further breakdown and his levels are normal for a 85-100 year old ( those levels are in the 300s. late twenty's should be in the 600-700s)! Problem is that testosterone supplements actually kill sperm and further affect fertility and testicular function (crazy right?! I thought it was a helper, but the male reprodcutive system is slightly odd...fits right in for the male species though right? hahahaha) I want my husband back and I want him to feel right and healthy. I love him so much and it breaks my heart for him (ugh..tearing up just writing this). I want him to be able to take something but at the time I don't know what we can do because we will have to wait until after we find out about the "sperm" situation. Even then, it may be months before something can be done about that.
Whewww ok, that was more long winded than i thought but I've had alot on my mind as usual.
I hope you all have a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!!
*We cannot direct the wind but we can adjust the sails. - Dolly Parton*
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