Journey: passage or progress from one stage to another: the journey to success.

Ok here it comes again. More bitching and whining and ranting. But damn it all if I can't get over this nagging "why". Will I EVER truly get over it? How do I make it go away or at least lessen it? When will I be able to gain my faith and strength back and be able to crawl out of bed every day with a smile, hell let alone just be able to crawl out of bed.

Yesterday I learned that yet again another person who does not deserve to be pregnant is. Her husband was (who knows maybe is) a drug addict, they are severly financially unstable, extremely immature and still live with her parents. And yet they are given God's gift. WHY?
Jason and I are here; mature adults (for the most part ;) ), financially secure in all ways, have steady jobs, a nice house, etc etc etc and still are empty handed. WHY?
Someone told me that going to work and seeing all these moms and babies and then worse the bad moms who still get thier babies is like having our infertility issues rubbed in my face everyday for 12 hours...Yup that pretty much sums up going to work anymore...
It hurts my heart so much it makes me want to puke.

In our recent days of our journey embryo adoption has been something we have been strongly leaning to. Jason doesn't really want to do the biopsy and as his wife I respect his decision and his body. The thought of using donor sperm doesn't settle well at all with me or with Jason. Yet I want to be pregnant and experience all that wonderful stuff! Hence, embryo adoption.I know most of you are thinking what the heck is that!?

Well when couples go through in vitro sometimes they have left over embryos that they keep in storage. Some of those couples come to the wonderful decision to donate those to couples who are looking to complete their families. 


Of course there is alot of emotional aspects to this decision, believe me. We've got that covered and we are working on that.
Now people aren't just going to give thier embryos to anyone. This process involves agency involvement, home case studies, legal contracts and then the process itself.  This makes me think again back to the why?
Why are we forced to be put into a home study to see if we are "okayed" to be parents when there are tons of moms out there who are doped up on drugs abusing thier children and STILL get to take them home? Why do we have to "pay" to become parents when it comes so easy for 95% of people out there? Why do we have to be put through all these tests and emotions and struggles?

Even if we do get approved and everything works out the way they are "suppose" to in this case then we still have the fact that the pregnancy may not take. A frozen embryo transfer has a 25-35% success rate each time and of course each time costs money. I hate, hate, hate that money even has to be a factor. Of course I said we are financially stable but never did I say rich. Which is what I feel like I need to be in order for this to happen.

They say that God will only give you as much as you can handle and get you through it but I honestly feel like I can't take anymore. It consumes me as hard as I try to not let it. It depresses me and it beats me down. I've become a horrible wife, friend, co-worker, and everything else I'm supposed to be. I make my way from my bed to my couch and then back to my bed.  I feel like I'm just going through the motions of life everyday. What the fuck!? It's not supposed to be this way! How can I find my strength and faith and my belief in God again!? How can I get up and get motivated to get to the gym and eat right to make myself feel better? Am I a horrible person for thinking and feeling this way??
I was told it's ok because technically I am grieving a "loss" but I still feel weak and ridiculous.

*All who call on God in true faith, earnestly from the heart, will certainly be heard, and will receive what they have asked and desired- Martin Luther*  

Just A Little Update Of No Updates

It's been a while since I've wrote on here but things have pretty much been at a standstill since we hit our wall. If I thought the road before the wall was rough boy was I wrong. I don't feel like I should have to explain my feelings and reasonings to anyone but for some reason I feel the need to.

The conversations about the issue aren't an everyday thing anymore but that doesn't mean it's not on my mind constantly. Obviously from my Facebook posts people have gathered the idea that I'm depressed, but honestly what else would one expect. Of course I am; I'm depressed, I'm hurt, I'm broken...I've lost faith and feel failured...

The reason it seems like we are  rushed and to make hast decisions is because we really don't have time on our hands. Yes we are young, but research has proven that once testicular failure happens, it progressively gets worse not better. Hence, if we have anything in there, we need to get it now and not wait around to see what "might happen".

*A mind that is stretched by a new experience can never go back to its old dimensions. -
Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr. *