Ok here it comes again. More bitching and whining and ranting. But damn it all if I can't get over this nagging "why". Will I EVER truly get over it? How do I make it go away or at least lessen it? When will I be able to gain my faith and strength back and be able to crawl out of bed every day with a smile, hell let alone just be able to crawl out of bed.
Yesterday I learned that yet again another person who does not deserve to be pregnant is. Her husband was (who knows maybe is) a drug addict, they are severly financially unstable, extremely immature and still live with her parents. And yet they are given God's gift. WHY?
Jason and I are here; mature adults (for the most part ;) ), financially secure in all ways, have steady jobs, a nice house, etc etc etc and still are empty handed. WHY?
Someone told me that going to work and seeing all these moms and babies and then worse the bad moms who still get thier babies is like having our infertility issues rubbed in my face everyday for 12 hours...Yup that pretty much sums up going to work anymore...
It hurts my heart so much it makes me want to puke.
In our recent days of our journey embryo adoption has been something we have been strongly leaning to. Jason doesn't really want to do the biopsy and as his wife I respect his decision and his body. The thought of using donor sperm doesn't settle well at all with me or with Jason. Yet I want to be pregnant and experience all that wonderful stuff! Hence, embryo adoption.I know most of you are thinking what the heck is that!?
Well when couples go through in vitro sometimes they have left over embryos that they keep in storage. Some of those couples come to the wonderful decision to donate those to couples who are looking to complete their families.
Of course there is alot of emotional aspects to this decision, believe me. We've got that covered and we are working on that.
Now people aren't just going to give thier embryos to anyone. This process involves agency involvement, home case studies, legal contracts and then the process itself. This makes me think again back to the why?
Why are we forced to be put into a home study to see if we are "okayed" to be parents when there are tons of moms out there who are doped up on drugs abusing thier children and STILL get to take them home? Why do we have to "pay" to become parents when it comes so easy for 95% of people out there? Why do we have to be put through all these tests and emotions and struggles?
Even if we do get approved and everything works out the way they are "suppose" to in this case then we still have the fact that the pregnancy may not take. A frozen embryo transfer has a 25-35% success rate each time and of course each time costs money. I hate, hate, hate that money even has to be a factor. Of course I said we are financially stable but never did I say rich. Which is what I feel like I need to be in order for this to happen.
They say that God will only give you as much as you can handle and get you through it but I honestly feel like I can't take anymore. It consumes me as hard as I try to not let it. It depresses me and it beats me down. I've become a horrible wife, friend, co-worker, and everything else I'm supposed to be. I make my way from my bed to my couch and then back to my bed. I feel like I'm just going through the motions of life everyday. What the fuck!? It's not supposed to be this way! How can I find my strength and faith and my belief in God again!? How can I get up and get motivated to get to the gym and eat right to make myself feel better? Am I a horrible person for thinking and feeling this way??
I was told it's ok because technically I am grieving a "loss" but I still feel weak and ridiculous.
*All who call on God in true faith, earnestly from the heart, will certainly be heard, and will receive what they have asked and desired- Martin Luther*
Alison Taylor, you're a wonderful and beautiful person to have around and in my life. I love ya girl, I have no words to heal your pain, but I def have two ears to listen anytime u need.. you aren't nagging, these are feelings and emotions that are real and all of us that love you need to respect this topic for it is not easy.
ReplyDeleteHey lady!!
ReplyDeleteI love and hate reading your blog because you say everything I feel and am too scared to say out loud to anyone but Tabitha who constantly reminds me its not our job to ask why... but I struggl with it daily. Like last night when we stroll through Walmart trying no to notice the baby in the bathroom, the baby section as we walk by, the maternity clothes that I would love to wear... and the literally filthy parents with 3 young dirty kids in their cart and we have only dog food in ours. You're right its not fair... andit hurts.... and we're allowed to be frustrated and not want to get out of bed every day. The only thing I have found to help is to keep praying, keep asking for prayers and get into His word every day. I got "the daily bible app" then that way 1st thing in the morning when I wake up after nightmares the Bible is the 1st thing I see... I'm so sorry it hurts so bad ndi will keep praying for you!! Love and hugs!!
Thanks Amy <3!!!!
ReplyDeleteAnd Erika... I know you know exactly how I feel, it's so frustrating and emotional. You are so right that we are constantly reminded of what we don't have everyday. We go out to eat, our waitress is pregnant. We go to the bar, our waitress is pregnant. I try to walk hurridly by the baby department in every store I go to but yet stop and stare at all of the baby things. I went to Sams today and seen a family with four kids and the mom clearly pregnant and think dang she gets to have five and I can't have one!? I know it's not my place to ask why but it is hard like you said. Thanks for your positive thoughts and prayers. I'm doing the same for you! Love and hugs back!