The Heart Of The Matter

Why, Why Why??? This is what I’m struggling with most and always.
 
When the OBGYN first called I was devastated and all weekend I was a mess. All I knew was I heard NO sperm and thought, that’s it, it’s over. But the more I researched online the more I found it was possible we could still have a child together.  I never thought I’d know this much about the male reproductive system, sperm and tests and procedures. The problem with Male Infertility is that it is still a relatively new area of study so not much is known about it or why it happens and what can be done to fix it. There are only a handful of doctors who truly specialize in this. Problem One.  Infertility isn’t considered a disease to insurance companies, having a baby is a privilege. Therefore infertility medications, treatments, ect aren’t covered.  Problem Two.

The more tests that are being done we now find ourselves closer to where we originally started. The possibility of us having a biological child together are slim to none .First my dream was to have a natural conception the way the life intends, now I don’t care how I have a child but I wish to have one with my husband. This is devastating to think of and even worse to try and express to people because hardly anyone has ever had to deal with that possibility and know what we are going through and how we feel.  Jason is angry and rightfully so. It's hard to talk with him because well he's a guy and that's just how they are! I think everyone will understand that, I don't think I need to go into detail as to why...
As for me I'm sad, angry, hurt and confused. I don't know why we were dealt this hand but we were. It's something we have to deal with and move on and find our options and choices but I still ask myself "why us" every frickin day.

It's hard to see all my facebook friends and coworkers announcing thier pregnancies. I'm happy for everyone of course but it's so hard to see and hear all the good news. I hope they all understand why I'm not involved in congrats and talks of new babies. It's devestating and I've found myself crying over it more than a few times.  I've joined a few forums (discussion boards) with those who are dealing with Male Factor Infertility and one specifically for those who have(mostly the wives of those) Azoospermia. It's even hard to see those girls announcing thier pregnancies, but granted they have had years of trying, procedures, woes and tears and deserve the happiness and pregnancies every bit! It's wierd to think I don't even know these ladies personally but find myself so close to them, sharing things that only we can understand. These forums have helped me tremedously with things to ask, expect, and overall take in.

This infertility has affected EVERY aspect of my life and has consumed me. As hard as I try not to, it's ALL I think about.  I love my job a lot but find it hard to come to work everyday now. It's so hard to see moms who are on thier 6th Ooops babies, don't want their children or abuse their babies( in my opinion no prenatal care, drug use and other stupid things they do). There are young girls who have been pregnant 5 times already and don't appreciate their children. It's hard now when the parents or visitors ask "So you must have children of your own, do you?"  Or the coworkers who don't know my struggle ask, "So why aren't you pregnant yet?".  I can hold and cuddle these babies and I just dream one day I'll have my own.

Now as I've stated before we go for our follow up appt Jan 3. We will find out then what the Dr feels our options are and what we can do. We don't know 100% for sure what will happen but we have a pretty good idea. Jason can have a biopsy done to see for sure if he is producing sperm at all, but when they do that they could find that sperm is not being produced whatsoever. There is a more in depth biopsy that is a microsurgery and the chances of finding sperm with this procedure are even greater. BUT keep in mind, this is all out of pocket.  We'd all like to think we'd do whatever possible to find out if we can have a child together but throw in medications, fees, and in vitro on top of this all and we are looking at well over 30K. We could go through all of that and still end up emptied handed. So we've got a lot of options and possiblities to weigh. It's something that hurts my head and more so my heart. No matter what kind of child we have we want to have a future for that child.

We've touched on the possibility of having to use a donor. VERY briefly touched on it, it's a senstive subject and one we hope we won't need. But, like I've stated we need to know our possiblities and options. There is talk of if that child would be loved like one of our own (family included) which I have no doubt in my mind it would. Like those statements that float around say..."anyone can be a sperm or egg donor but it takes a special person to be a parent". I am a woman, I want to be a mother, I have to be. It's in my blood, I know I want children to love and shower and show the world.  And I know I love my husband more than anything in the world. And I know I'd rather have nobody other than him to share that with, no matter how that ends up. He's my world and we are in this together.  We won't love DNA,  we will love a child.

If anyone has any questions or anything just ask us. We aren't ashamed to talk about Our Journey. Infertility is a disease and a struggle just like diabetes or cancer. Those of us who struggle with it shouldn't be ashamed or hide. We appreciate everyone's thoughts, kind words and prayers for us. Again, we thank you all ~~~~~ <3

*Obstacles don't have to stop you. If you run into a wall, don't turn around and give up. Figure out how to climb it, go through it, or work around it. - Michael Jordan *