Ok here it comes again. More bitching and whining and ranting. But damn it all if I can't get over this nagging "why". Will I EVER truly get over it? How do I make it go away or at least lessen it? When will I be able to gain my faith and strength back and be able to crawl out of bed every day with a smile, hell let alone just be able to crawl out of bed.
Yesterday I learned that yet again another person who does not deserve to be pregnant is. Her husband was (who knows maybe is) a drug addict, they are severly financially unstable, extremely immature and still live with her parents. And yet they are given God's gift. WHY?
Jason and I are here; mature adults (for the most part ;) ), financially secure in all ways, have steady jobs, a nice house, etc etc etc and still are empty handed. WHY?
Someone told me that going to work and seeing all these moms and babies and then worse the bad moms who still get thier babies is like having our infertility issues rubbed in my face everyday for 12 hours...Yup that pretty much sums up going to work anymore...
It hurts my heart so much it makes me want to puke.
In our recent days of our journey embryo adoption has been something we have been strongly leaning to. Jason doesn't really want to do the biopsy and as his wife I respect his decision and his body. The thought of using donor sperm doesn't settle well at all with me or with Jason. Yet I want to be pregnant and experience all that wonderful stuff! Hence, embryo adoption.I know most of you are thinking what the heck is that!?
Well when couples go through in vitro sometimes they have left over embryos that they keep in storage. Some of those couples come to the wonderful decision to donate those to couples who are looking to complete their families.
Of course there is alot of emotional aspects to this decision, believe me. We've got that covered and we are working on that.
Now people aren't just going to give thier embryos to anyone. This process involves agency involvement, home case studies, legal contracts and then the process itself. This makes me think again back to the why?
Why are we forced to be put into a home study to see if we are "okayed" to be parents when there are tons of moms out there who are doped up on drugs abusing thier children and STILL get to take them home? Why do we have to "pay" to become parents when it comes so easy for 95% of people out there? Why do we have to be put through all these tests and emotions and struggles?
Even if we do get approved and everything works out the way they are "suppose" to in this case then we still have the fact that the pregnancy may not take. A frozen embryo transfer has a 25-35% success rate each time and of course each time costs money. I hate, hate, hate that money even has to be a factor. Of course I said we are financially stable but never did I say rich. Which is what I feel like I need to be in order for this to happen.
They say that God will only give you as much as you can handle and get you through it but I honestly feel like I can't take anymore. It consumes me as hard as I try to not let it. It depresses me and it beats me down. I've become a horrible wife, friend, co-worker, and everything else I'm supposed to be. I make my way from my bed to my couch and then back to my bed. I feel like I'm just going through the motions of life everyday. What the fuck!? It's not supposed to be this way! How can I find my strength and faith and my belief in God again!? How can I get up and get motivated to get to the gym and eat right to make myself feel better? Am I a horrible person for thinking and feeling this way??
I was told it's ok because technically I am grieving a "loss" but I still feel weak and ridiculous.
*All who call on God in true faith, earnestly from the heart, will certainly be heard, and will receive what they have asked and desired- Martin Luther*
Friday, March 9, 2012
Monday, March 5, 2012
Just A Little Update Of No Updates
It's been a while since I've wrote on here but things have pretty much been at a standstill since we hit our wall. If I thought the road before the wall was rough boy was I wrong. I don't feel like I should have to explain my feelings and reasonings to anyone but for some reason I feel the need to.
The conversations about the issue aren't an everyday thing anymore but that doesn't mean it's not on my mind constantly. Obviously from my Facebook posts people have gathered the idea that I'm depressed, but honestly what else would one expect. Of course I am; I'm depressed, I'm hurt, I'm broken...I've lost faith and feel failured...
The reason it seems like we are rushed and to make hast decisions is because we really don't have time on our hands. Yes we are young, but research has proven that once testicular failure happens, it progressively gets worse not better. Hence, if we have anything in there, we need to get it now and not wait around to see what "might happen".
*A mind that is stretched by a new experience can never go back to its old dimensions. -
Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr. *
The conversations about the issue aren't an everyday thing anymore but that doesn't mean it's not on my mind constantly. Obviously from my Facebook posts people have gathered the idea that I'm depressed, but honestly what else would one expect. Of course I am; I'm depressed, I'm hurt, I'm broken...I've lost faith and feel failured...
The reason it seems like we are rushed and to make hast decisions is because we really don't have time on our hands. Yes we are young, but research has proven that once testicular failure happens, it progressively gets worse not better. Hence, if we have anything in there, we need to get it now and not wait around to see what "might happen".
*A mind that is stretched by a new experience can never go back to its old dimensions. -
Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr. *
Thursday, February 2, 2012
Life
Well just as we expect from life...it throws curves. We've discovered we aren't on the same page with anything and don't agree on much of our options. So therefore we are taking a break from trying to conceive.
It's just become beyond stressful and tiring. The stress is continuous and its daunting. I'm tired of the tears related to every bump along the way, every option we try to explore and thinking of the consequences of them in the future and crying every time I start my period.
I'm depressed, I'm hurt, I'm angry, I'm jealous and I don't like being this way. I've decided to focus on our relationship and making it stronger and focus on myself too and what makes me happy again. I'm angry and confused with God and need to find him in my life again before I can expect to move on with a family. I do believe there are so many things in our life that need to fit into the puzzle just right before it will come together perfectly as I've been hoping it would. I think I've been trying to put the puzzle together with just the wrong pieces that look right from far away but up close have a jagged edge...
Don't relate this to "ignoring" the problem or sweeping it under the rug and covering it up with materialistic things. It's just putting the problem on the back burner for now and coming back to it when we are 100% fully ready, together.
We won't be talking about babies or trying until we are ready to do that again but believe me we will let you all know !!
*Life is an opportunity, benefit from it.
Life is beauty, admire it.
Life is a dream, realize it.
Life is a challenge, meet it.
Life is a duty, complete it.
Life is a game, play it.
Life is a promise, fulfill it.
Life is sorrow, overcome it.
Life is a song, sing it.
Life is a struggle, accept it.
Life is a tragedy, confront it.
Life is an adventure, dare it.
Life is luck, make it.
Life is too precious, do not destroy it.
Life is life, fight for it.
Mother Teresa *
It's just become beyond stressful and tiring. The stress is continuous and its daunting. I'm tired of the tears related to every bump along the way, every option we try to explore and thinking of the consequences of them in the future and crying every time I start my period.
I'm depressed, I'm hurt, I'm angry, I'm jealous and I don't like being this way. I've decided to focus on our relationship and making it stronger and focus on myself too and what makes me happy again. I'm angry and confused with God and need to find him in my life again before I can expect to move on with a family. I do believe there are so many things in our life that need to fit into the puzzle just right before it will come together perfectly as I've been hoping it would. I think I've been trying to put the puzzle together with just the wrong pieces that look right from far away but up close have a jagged edge...
Don't relate this to "ignoring" the problem or sweeping it under the rug and covering it up with materialistic things. It's just putting the problem on the back burner for now and coming back to it when we are 100% fully ready, together.
We won't be talking about babies or trying until we are ready to do that again but believe me we will let you all know !!
*Life is an opportunity, benefit from it.
Life is beauty, admire it.
Life is a dream, realize it.
Life is a challenge, meet it.
Life is a duty, complete it.
Life is a game, play it.
Life is a promise, fulfill it.
Life is sorrow, overcome it.
Life is a song, sing it.
Life is a struggle, accept it.
Life is a tragedy, confront it.
Life is an adventure, dare it.
Life is luck, make it.
Life is too precious, do not destroy it.
Life is life, fight for it.
Mother Teresa *
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
We Shook Hands On It!.....hahaha....
Well after a much emotional and teeter tottering type of week we've come to our conclusion. I feel as though I am reading off a jury's decision or something here....We first had decided we were going to just do a donor insemination, then after much research and thoughts we decided that is not an option we want to pursue...
We are going to do IVF with a biopsy. We are planning on doing it in June to give us time to prepare and whatnot. It may be later than that depending on how things go. We want to be as best prepared as possible. Sperm takes 3 months to grow and mature and this gives us time to change eating habits, get healthier and take supplements and take advantage of other types of treatments. I say we because all though I am fine it wouldn't hurt at all to become healthier myself and give myself the best possible welcoming "home" and good eggs for the procedure.
We are going to look into Accupuncture and Traditional Chinese Medicine as it as been linked to helping with infertility. Not to mention the already 800 supplements that we are already taking!
We are going to look into another doctor's appt to make sure we have all the questions answered and all the possible treatment options available as well as making sure the procedure of the biopsy is the best possible option for looking for sperm.
Jason is going to do another semen analysis once to twice more within these next few months to see if anything has changed. Shit, I'd be thrilled with even a few thousand. We are ok with the IVF it's just the possibility of sperm or no sperm that has us the most worried.
Waiting until we are sure we are ready and have the best possible chance for finding sperm (and of decent quality) will give us the peace for taking the most expensive leap of faith ever!!!!!
If this fails it's going to be heartbreaking and we will take a break for a few years, maybe be put on a waiting list for adoption (since it takes 4-5 years and can be 30k+) . Of course my dream would be to carry a baby and knowing that may never happen makes me sick...something I hate to think about but have to...Who knows maybe do donor embryos....or there may be medical advances or a miracle that happen during that wait...
I'm hoping during this wait/journey I can learn to be happy for others again, learn to not let it hurt me when people discover or talk about thier pregnancies and learn just alot in general overall with my life.
If anyone has any questions, advice, etc please feel free to share or talk with us. Obviously we aren't ashamed to talk about this journey so we welcome everyone, if we don't feel like talking about it at that certain time believe me we will tell you :) We aren't asking anyone to agree with our decision just for support. We ask for prayers and good thoughts to guide us through our decision, our journey and most of all that we find sperm!!! :) As always thank you all ~~~~<3
*Don't be discouraged. It's often the last key in the bunch that opens the lock. -
We are going to do IVF with a biopsy. We are planning on doing it in June to give us time to prepare and whatnot. It may be later than that depending on how things go. We want to be as best prepared as possible. Sperm takes 3 months to grow and mature and this gives us time to change eating habits, get healthier and take supplements and take advantage of other types of treatments. I say we because all though I am fine it wouldn't hurt at all to become healthier myself and give myself the best possible welcoming "home" and good eggs for the procedure.
We are going to look into Accupuncture and Traditional Chinese Medicine as it as been linked to helping with infertility. Not to mention the already 800 supplements that we are already taking!
We are going to look into another doctor's appt to make sure we have all the questions answered and all the possible treatment options available as well as making sure the procedure of the biopsy is the best possible option for looking for sperm.
Jason is going to do another semen analysis once to twice more within these next few months to see if anything has changed. Shit, I'd be thrilled with even a few thousand. We are ok with the IVF it's just the possibility of sperm or no sperm that has us the most worried.
Waiting until we are sure we are ready and have the best possible chance for finding sperm (and of decent quality) will give us the peace for taking the most expensive leap of faith ever!!!!!
If this fails it's going to be heartbreaking and we will take a break for a few years, maybe be put on a waiting list for adoption (since it takes 4-5 years and can be 30k+) . Of course my dream would be to carry a baby and knowing that may never happen makes me sick...something I hate to think about but have to...Who knows maybe do donor embryos....or there may be medical advances or a miracle that happen during that wait...
I'm hoping during this wait/journey I can learn to be happy for others again, learn to not let it hurt me when people discover or talk about thier pregnancies and learn just alot in general overall with my life.
If anyone has any questions, advice, etc please feel free to share or talk with us. Obviously we aren't ashamed to talk about this journey so we welcome everyone, if we don't feel like talking about it at that certain time believe me we will tell you :) We aren't asking anyone to agree with our decision just for support. We ask for prayers and good thoughts to guide us through our decision, our journey and most of all that we find sperm!!! :) As always thank you all ~~~~<3
*Don't be discouraged. It's often the last key in the bunch that opens the lock. -
Saturday, January 7, 2012
Some Information For You!
Just thought if anyone didn't really understand IVF here's a website that I found that explains it the best way I could find... (we would be doing the IVF with ICSI)
(Due to security reasons and whatever and whatnot I had to delete the links to the information. Sorry.)
Also if anyone is interested in reading anything about infertility or helping others with the disease this is a great website I visit often!
http://resolve.org/
*A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step. – Lao Tze*
(Due to security reasons and whatever and whatnot I had to delete the links to the information. Sorry.)
Also if anyone is interested in reading anything about infertility or helping others with the disease this is a great website I visit often!
http://resolve.org/
*A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step. – Lao Tze*
Friday, January 6, 2012
Decisions, Options, and Thoughts ...OH MY!!!
So the appt at the Fertility Clinic went fairly well. I'll try to keep this post mostly informative without emotions, feelings and thoughts since we still have yet to discuss what we may do.
First of all they were running an hour and a half behind, ugh. So we were already at edge with all the waiting and then with each other because we both were annoyed and anxious. Finally the Dr came in and discussed our options and his thoughts and opinions. Here's what he said in a nutshell...
1. The chances of conceiving naturally are null. There are always "non-medical miracles of course"
2. He sees no point in re-testing a semen analysis or blood work. He will let us do another semen analysis just for peace of mind however.
3. We can do in vitro fertilization (IVF)
4. With IVF Jason needs a biopsy done to "look/get sperm". Based on his blood work if his levels were higher the Dr would give us "no hope" but with the results Jason has he gives us "some hope".
5. We have the option to have Jason get the biopsy done whenever, if they find sperm they will freeze it. The Dr suggests Jason have the biopsy done on the day I would have my eggs retrived because the chances of successful IVF is better with fresh sperm rather than frozen.
6. In Jason's condition the sperm (if found) would be not as mature as that found in the "out track" or in the ejaculate and would still be a significantly smaller amount then "normal" . Therefore if that sperm is frozen the chances of it surviving the thaw are slim.
7. If we decide to do the biopsy/IVF together than we can cancel the cycle if no sperm is found OR have donor as a back up.
Hence, ALOT of decisions, ALOT of information, ALOT of things to take in, stew on and discuss....
I think that was all but my mind is a crazy mess now and if I think of anything else I will add to it!
Thank you for keeping us in your thoughts and praying for us. Now I'm just praying for guidance and to make the right decision. ~~~<3
*The hardest thing to learn in life is which bridge to cross and which to burn. -David Russell*
First of all they were running an hour and a half behind, ugh. So we were already at edge with all the waiting and then with each other because we both were annoyed and anxious. Finally the Dr came in and discussed our options and his thoughts and opinions. Here's what he said in a nutshell...
1. The chances of conceiving naturally are null. There are always "non-medical miracles of course"
2. He sees no point in re-testing a semen analysis or blood work. He will let us do another semen analysis just for peace of mind however.
3. We can do in vitro fertilization (IVF)
4. With IVF Jason needs a biopsy done to "look/get sperm". Based on his blood work if his levels were higher the Dr would give us "no hope" but with the results Jason has he gives us "some hope".
5. We have the option to have Jason get the biopsy done whenever, if they find sperm they will freeze it. The Dr suggests Jason have the biopsy done on the day I would have my eggs retrived because the chances of successful IVF is better with fresh sperm rather than frozen.
6. In Jason's condition the sperm (if found) would be not as mature as that found in the "out track" or in the ejaculate and would still be a significantly smaller amount then "normal" . Therefore if that sperm is frozen the chances of it surviving the thaw are slim.
7. If we decide to do the biopsy/IVF together than we can cancel the cycle if no sperm is found OR have donor as a back up.
Hence, ALOT of decisions, ALOT of information, ALOT of things to take in, stew on and discuss....
I think that was all but my mind is a crazy mess now and if I think of anything else I will add to it!
Thank you for keeping us in your thoughts and praying for us. Now I'm just praying for guidance and to make the right decision. ~~~<3
*The hardest thing to learn in life is which bridge to cross and which to burn. -David Russell*
Monday, January 2, 2012
Time to put this Hope and Faith into action...
Well tomorrow is the big day that I've been waiting for for almost 2 months. I'm very nervous and anxious. I'm hoping we get answers, plans and other things but I just hope it isn't a huge disappointment like the last few visits to different doctors.
Off the subject the holidays were nice and we had a good time with all the families. We had a nice (but short, due to my working) dinner for my dad's birthday on Sunday and are looking foward to a nice dinner for Jason's dad's birthday tomorrow evening.
Please keep us in your prayers, thoughts or whatever your choosing for a higher up power for tomorrow and hope that we get some good answers and possibly good news!
Thanks All~~~<3
* Your present circumstances don't determine where you can go; they merely determine where you start. -Nido Qubein*
Off the subject the holidays were nice and we had a good time with all the families. We had a nice (but short, due to my working) dinner for my dad's birthday on Sunday and are looking foward to a nice dinner for Jason's dad's birthday tomorrow evening.
Please keep us in your prayers, thoughts or whatever your choosing for a higher up power for tomorrow and hope that we get some good answers and possibly good news!
Thanks All~~~<3
* Your present circumstances don't determine where you can go; they merely determine where you start. -Nido Qubein*
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